Can I love you? 
Will you let me? 
 
  
  

What makes a man?

What differentiates a man from a boy? How does a guy earn his right to be known as a man? Anybody can age but growth is actually a choice. I have gotten into a certain age group where I find myself at times in an awkward position not knowing if my identity should be a man or just the guy that I had been for the past decade. Of course, the latter is more natural, comfortable and convenient, but it is time to grow up and move on.

"A man takes initiative, responsibility and is not afraid of commitment," Lydia Tang.

"A man knows how to rise above his emotions," Paulus Lee. 

I agree with the above, and I know there is much more to being a man than just the above.

Ini kalilah?
 

One on Three

In the knowledge of how well my counterparts are coping in the general wards and the emergency department, there is nothing to boast about me taking charge of three patients in the high dependency unit today. It was a fine Sunday morning, and like most Sundays the ward was a little short on staffing, so the charge nurse from the shift before assigned me an extra patient to take care of.

At first it was quite manageable, the cases were relatively simple and I had previous experience in nursing one of the three patients. Moreover the ease of mind in having no need to worry about admitting another patient, alleviated a significant amount of stress throughout my morning shift. So I got over feeling overwhelmed by the fact that there were going to be three patients to whom I had to be responsible for, after taking over the night shift report and getting ready for the next eight hours of daytime, I felt okay as soon as the night staff clocked out. Everything went smoothly enough until the primary team doctors came; the doctors on-call from the night before were busy checking on the patients and their respective charts, before updating their assessments of the patients and drafting out the appropriate plans; then came the senior consultant, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, looking less intimidating on a Sunday morning. He goes to the patients one at a time, discussing the cases with the doctors who were in the ward for over the past twenty-four hours.

I had three patients' plans to follow up with. And one of them was due for an urgent abdominal ultrasound. The good news was that, while preparing that patient for the scan I had time to care for my other two patients, because a doctor and a staff nurse must accompany the patient should he or she needed to be transported out of the ward. In other words, the doctors were busy, thus giving me some spare time to do other things for the other two patients. Cutting a long story short, we transferred the patient down for her scan and came back to the ward, and the day started becoming really busy. No thanks to my lack of experience, it all just never seemed to slow down. I was so caught up with tasks to performed at/before certain specific timings.

Thankfully I managed to do a presentable-enough handover to the afternoon shift nurses. Again, this was nothing to boast about; not especially since the nursing officer on duty discretely said to me, "Joel, it is okay to ask for help" at the end of the shift.

Still, it was a good shift and I look forward to working more meaningful ones. The journey has just begun and I do wish to be living the dream.
 

I have a life

"You are nurses, most of you should be prepared to work weekends and night shifts. But, for goodness sake, do something about your social lives," said the deputy director of nursing a few months ago during her welcome speech to my batch of newly recruited nurses.

Of late I find myself doing something about my social life! Compared to how I used to live when on clinical attachments, I had been going out a lot more these days. It is not easy, more often than not, I wished I were in bed by the end of a busy shift. Sometimes when I am on the way out to meet a friend for a drink or meal, the temptation to cancel or postpone the appointment tends to be difficult to resist.

Meeting people can seem tiring, to be honest; however, thus far, I do not remember cancelling any appointments. Yay! And I am happy to realise that I nearly never regret taking the journey or paying for the food because friendships matter more in life than selfish rest.

A man needs to work but a man has to interact with the community too. No man is self-sufficient.
 

Uniform to Scrubs

So I have been wearing scrubs for over two months now, but it still feels so surreal to be no longer putting on that huge and white nursing student's uniform because in many ways, I feel like a student every day.

Work has been quite good despite the never ending list of new things that I need to learn in the workplace. Colleagues are rather friendly and I appreciate them for going easy on me. There are good shifts, there are not so good ones; thus far I am surviving and cannot wait to get on track to function more independently as a critical care nurse.

Putting on a different uniform makes me uncomfortably aware of the new and heavier responsibilities I need to bear. Stress is a good thing in this sense, that you do not dare to take lightly the patients under your care.

Cheers to a meaningful career ahead!

So I've been away...

So I've been away from blogging for quite some time. No intentions of shutting down these sites yet, just having other stuff occupying my time. Multiple tasks to take on and goals to reach, taking each step at a time!

Every time I log in to Blogger and want to try writing something, I find myself not knowing what exactly to share, where to start from and even how to put into words whatever I wished to express. It has been a while since I sat down just to reflect and write.

At least the tea cup never leaves the desk, and my supply of tea sachets is in abundance.

One of these days lah, I shall brush up on writing.
 

Experiencing arrhythmia

The taste of good tea, the feeling when it passes your tongue and flows down your throat; so good!

Lately I find myself enjoying a good cup each day before heading off to work, sometimes I even do it after work. Yesterday might be a day when I consumed more tea than water. And this morning, without fail I made another cup before going to church. You are right, by the way, if you guessed that I am now writing here with another good cup on the desk.

Started experiencing transient quicker-than-usual heart rates about an hour ago.
Already gotten used to it, frequent urination is something I have grown to live with since I usually drink in the house. Relaxing with fast heartbeats, moving back and forth between the bed and desk, on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Simple things in life can be enjoyable too!

One day when I have my own home, one of the first things I would buy will be a nice tea set!
Hoping to have people to share this with, of course. (Not the arrhythmia)
 

This is a year of change

Ask me, and I might share with you over tea.
 

Of fairness and justice

"When a society is highly unequal, hardnose insistence on merit often benefits those who have the means disproportionally." YB Liew Chin Tong.

Is meritocracy not a good thing? Are we not highly unsatisfied with the cronyism and nepotism that are so rampant in this nation? Why then did the YB I quoted seem to be not for meritocracy, while the political party he represents is all out against alleged corruption in the current rulling Government?

Rewarding based on merit, regardless of race, gender, age, etc. is being fair to all and promotes excellence. does meritocracy mean fairness? Yes. Does it therefore bring about justice? Up to you.

Well, in a society where distribution of wealth is already unfair, I believe it should be fine to help give the lower classes a push so that they may stand a better chance at competing with their oppressors. However, would attempts to level the playing field be fair to the upper classes?

The poor folks need aid but the rich ones belong to the country too.

We despise cronyism, but though only few dare to admit it, cronyism simply cannot be eradicated as if there were an economic magic spell.

Nevertheless we agree that cronyism is unjust.
So shall we go ahead with meritocracy or not?

Wristwatch slowed down

Had the opportunity to send a patient out of the ICU for a special portrait session.

No lah! It was a brain MRI. Although in some sense, the patient did get some wonderful pictures of himself taken in a room that functions like a photo booth.

It was an eye-opening 20 minutes for me.

However I noticed that my wristwatch has become slower by a few minutes overnight. Perhaps the strong magnetic field was the culprit.

Hmmm...

Student to RN

So I officially started working in one of the busiest hospitals in Singapore. Still trying to believe that I have even come this far. The road ahead is not an easy one to journey on, for sure.

 Nursing: what I thought I wanted. This I pray will teach me much. Strive to be a good nurse, I will.

To the rest of you in this noble vocation, rock on!

28 April

As I vividly recall, I was on the streets of Johor Bahru a year ago, when I was still studying in Singapore. I remember travelling by foot a few kilometres to a vicinity where a street protest was to take place, and from reading about experiences of people who took part in a similar protest the year before, I learned to arrive a day early.

All the walking, praying and waiting; Either on the streets, in a 24-hour Mamak shop or a hotel lobby nearby. One full night, and the next whole day.


Is the cause I am fighting for making progress?

Sorry for my moments of faithlessness and frustrations.

What is becoming of the organisation in the front lines of the pursuit for free and fair elections? I dare not imagine or acknowledge what might it be now. Not that it has gone astray, just perhaps unacceptable in certain ways to me, personally. Or have I been living in my own ideal world?
 

No one behind?

I said, "I want to do more!"
You said, "Go!"
So I did.

...

However I turn back to see and only find that there seems to be no one behind me. And the ones who supposedly are beside me happen to be out of sight as well.
 

Free food only mah!

In Kluang now.

I just came from a gathering that was held in honour and appreciation of the constituency's Member of Parliament, or the ex-MP, for that matter. The meeting was attended by quite a number of folks from the Chinese community. Simple speeches were given by a few men, after a video sharing which featured various people who talked about the good works that YB Dr. Hou has done since he was elected into Office.

I am not very learned in the Chinese culture, but I do appreciate Dr. Hou for his passion and enthusiasm in developing education in the Chinese medium. Besides, I appreciate the gentleman even more for his discretion. Please pardon my poor usage of words, it was a very long day. Dr. Hou isn't a man who goes around speaking with thorns in his words, unlike many politicians. To be frank, sometimes I fear for his political career as this virtue might make him vulnerable to his "competitors" out there, so-to-say; on both sides of the political divide.

Anyway, five short years have passed. I do not know what the next few years will be like. To be honest, I shall certainly have a hard decision to make if he were to stand for election again.

Digressed for quite a bit already, back to what this blog entry was about! The meeting ended with refreshments outside the hall. I must ask, why are Chinese people so kiasu ah?! Free food only mah, push and squeeze for what?

By the way, not uncommon among Malaysians, cellphones were ringing and their owners were answering them whilst speeches were made. Am I living in a little bubble of my own where only within it that speaking on the phone loudly in a seated crowd is considered rude?

Culture or bad habit?

1. Silence your phone during meetings
2. Queue up when food is being served

Let us be more civilized.
Wishing everyone a good weekend!

Keys in the room

今天有一个字可以形容我的心情 － 烦！
两个字也行 － 真烦！

Now living in an apartment in Penang island. Left my keys in the bedroom this morning and I cannot get into my room anymore, until the landlord shows up with spare keys, or I pay for a lock smith to come, or the door magically responds to "open sesame." Unfortunately the latter is most unlikely to happen.

So now I'm stuck outside the room, well at least I could still get into the house with the help of a good friend who kindly gave me car rides to get spare keys from the landlord's sister. What did not help so much was that the bunch of keys did not grant me access to the bedroom. Hence here am I, hanging out at a local cafe to wait for the landlord to come in the hope of him having the right key.

This forgetfulness has been an irritant for quite some time. Prior to this I had left car keys in the car, twice within the past six months! Thank God nothing bad happened during both incidents.

Just felt the need to rant this out in some way, not that I enjoy complaining.
This is not the only thing causing me frustration, ask me in person if you would be interested in lending an ear and expect to be appreciated because I do appreciate friends.

Remembering NS

Just recently watched a Singaporean movie about their National Service, and started thinking back about mine.

It has been a few years already, those sweet memories came back to me like waves on that seashore during the mornings. I could picture the vividly the vicinity of that campsite, images accompanied by the noises in the dormitories as well as the scents of feaces, clothes detergent and shower gels in the bathroom. The weekdays of waking up before sunrise for morning jogs and lame exercises, followed by breakfast where I had only ever eaten plain bread, hard-boiled eggs, and nothing else. Then to the classrooms for the rest of the morning, for a time of education and character building by going through various lesson plans. Since I did not take spicy foods, lunch naturally became a napping or diary writing time. The evenings were the worst, thus I do not wish to remember them. My soul only started to feel better when the night came. It was during NS when I began looking at the sky differently altogether. The stars and the night time must take credit for my first ever attempt on poetry, they were probably the only good source of comfort I had throughout that three months of torment. People change, circumstances change, I changed; but the night sky will always be there whenever I look up.

Remembering what I had been through a few years ago, I could not help but to start cursing in my head. My heartbeat raced and sweat began dripping although it was not very hot in the room, and not very long later, tears started rolling down these cheeks and I quickly shut the door, fell to my knees with my face on the bed, wanting to cry it out loud but held back because there were other people in the house.

It was a dark period, a very depressing time.
My life changed, forevermore.

I started wondering to myself, having once heard that somehow your teachers in school might be able to do something that makes you stand a better chance of getting selected for National Service. What I started thinking was: if this were true and my class teacher had ANYTHING to do with my enrollment into the NS, only God knows if I would hesitate to lambaste her nosiness or even do harm to her. Revenge though nothing can be done to undo the damages, what a dreadful thought to dwell on. Deep in my heart I know that if my teacher did recommend me for NS, she meant well. However the knowledge of her goodwill may never be enough for me to forgive her or get over the horrendous experience. IF she had anything to do with it in the first place.

Remembering the past, looking at present scars.

Now in Penang

So here I am. Many people don't understand why am I here, and I don't blame them since I myself do not really know what do I wish to achieve by coming all the way here. I came to volunteer at a human rights non-governmental organisation that does quite some good work in the state.

So here I am, away from home for more than a week now. There are good times, just as there are not so easy periods. I do not know what to share here but if you came to me I may be more than happy to share with you over a cup of tea.

The end of PRCP

It is nigh, it is nigh!

One more morning shift to go and this internship in the Surgical ICU will be over. I doubt my sleep will be sufficient tonight. Just finished making thank-you-cards for the ward staff!

Today my preceptor sat me down for a quick chat and some feedback. She made me remember why I decided to join nursing three years ago, and she made me think why am I still wanting to join nursing, since I did not quit. To help the helpless, I wish to carry on in this vocation with great pride. Just not sure if I have what it takes to bear the responsibilities of a Registered Nurse. There is room for improvement, there will always be room for improvement. Learning must never stop.

I only pray that I will make progress in this journey of nursing, regardless of which department they put me in.
 

...

Perhaps I should feel resentful no longer, for the days you gave me were the happiest dream I had ever lived.

Low urine output

At the ICU we monitor hourly vital signs, sedation score, urine output and a few other things relevant depending on the cases. Yesterday my patient had only 2ml or urine drained over two hours. This time the staff nurse accompanying me was busy so I decided to inform the medical officer on duty.

"Doctor, doctor.. Patient so-and-so's urine output is pretty bad, only 2ml over the past two hours post surgery."
"Okay, noted. Give me a minute to come over." (Phew! I still feel a little anxious when communicating with doctors, not sure why)

 So the doctor came to check on her patient, and flushed the urinary catheter in case it was blocked. And it worked! However it did not take long for us to notice that it started leaking, and I got the stuff ready for the doctor to change the catheter.

Lo and behold, the urine just kept flowing as soon as the new catheter was in place! Poor patient, suffering from a distended bladder but was unable to express it. I felt useful as the patient's suffering was eased because I raised the issue to the doctor's attention, but what the patient probably felt was relief, which is, needless to say, more important than my feelings.


Intensive care nursing is about close monitoring of patients and judicious reporting to doctors.
 

I'm tired

And it is still a long journey ahead.


My mind is like a dark and lonely town, constantly bothered by whirlwinds and storms. Alike any place without much peace, most of its residents have escaped to elsewhere. Thus my mind is like a dark and lonely town.

I'm tired.