Kerosene

As I come to work on a Monday's night shift. Two other hospital staff follow soon after, taking with them an unconscious man to be admitted to the ICU.

The drama of getting the patient settled in begins. He is barely responsive, thus making a number of tasks easier to carry out, whereas certain things, more inconvenient or challenging. The whole body reeks of kerosene, I cut up the T-shirt while another nurse removes the trousers as we clean the man up. We quickly hook him up on the machines that will be monitoring his vital signs and start collecting blood and urine specimens to be sent off for various tests.

The routines are done and the man remains unconscious, I go back to attend to my assigned patients for the night and start to read through the new guy's case notes as soon as my to-do list for the hour is cleared. Lo, this is another case of drug overdose; his colleagues had found him lying unconscious with an empty bottle of kerosene in the same office.

An hour later, the wife and daughter arrive, stunned and in tears as they look at the state in which their man of the house is. A few nurses speak to the ladies as I watch from a distance.

I never went near the patient again for the rest of the shift.

Has business been bad? Is there something wrong at home? Was he experiencing financial difficulties or health problems? Or was he thirsty for kerosene?

What an irresponsible man.

I find joy and purpose in life by helping the helpless on their hospital(sometimes death) beds, however my patience is limited for people who overdose themselves with stupid things for stupid reasons. May God pardon me for the reluctance in doing more good for such creatures, may my kindness grow.
 

Remembering NS

Just recently watched a Singaporean movie about their National Service, and started thinking back about mine.

It has been a few years already, those sweet memories came back to me like waves on that seashore during the mornings. I could picture the vividly the vicinity of that campsite, images accompanied by the noises in the dormitories as well as the scents of feaces, clothes detergent and shower gels in the bathroom. The weekdays of waking up before sunrise for morning jogs and lame exercises, followed by breakfast where I had only ever eaten plain bread, hard-boiled eggs, and nothing else. Then to the classrooms for the rest of the morning, for a time of education and character building by going through various lesson plans. Since I did not take spicy foods, lunch naturally became a napping or diary writing time. The evenings were the worst, thus I do not wish to remember them. My soul only started to feel better when the night came. It was during NS when I began looking at the sky differently altogether. The stars and the night time must take credit for my first ever attempt on poetry, they were probably the only good source of comfort I had throughout that three months of torment. People change, circumstances change, I changed; but the night sky will always be there whenever I look up.

Remembering what I had been through a few years ago, I could not help but to start cursing in my head. My heartbeat raced and sweat began dripping although it was not very hot in the room, and not very long later, tears started rolling down these cheeks and I quickly shut the door, fell to my knees with my face on the bed, wanting to cry it out loud but held back because there were other people in the house.

It was a dark period, a very depressing time.
My life changed, forevermore.

I started wondering to myself, having once heard that somehow your teachers in school might be able to do something that makes you stand a better chance of getting selected for National Service. What I started thinking was: if this were true and my class teacher had ANYTHING to do with my enrollment into the NS, only God knows if I would hesitate to lambaste her nosiness or even do harm to her. Revenge though nothing can be done to undo the damages, what a dreadful thought to dwell on. Deep in my heart I know that if my teacher did recommend me for NS, she meant well. However the knowledge of her goodwill may never be enough for me to forgive her or get over the horrendous experience. IF she had anything to do with it in the first place.

Remembering the past, looking at present scars.

羊儿别放弃

来临的路程好艰难，小羊不知能否顺利走完；
牧羊人啊，牧羊人！祢在哪里？
羊儿碰钉子了，跌跌撞撞，迷失方向。

天上的月亮，照亮地上路，希望这点光足以带领羊；
路边的小草长得高，当补充体力与精神的粮食。

前头的道路不好走，但羊儿 别放弃！

© Joel Yap

A possible disappointment

Not a setback, nothing to worry about actually; but perhaps something to be sad over.

He gives, He can take away.

I don't own my opportunities anyway, just a steward here. Trying hard to be a good steward of my money(though the little that I have), talents(though the little that I have) and time(though I definitely do not have as much as I think I need).

Minor disappointment, even though it has not been final yet. Is this a test? Is this just a plan to evaluate my response to certain things in life?

Man has desires, aspirations and dreams; what if a door is opened to you and closed just before you could pass through? Yet you still do not know if that door is closed for sure.
 

Source of comfort

The darkest days of my life are haunting me still. I try to look to the sky for comfort, each time I am reminded of the pain that I endured.
 

Answer-less

My husband had a good career as a stock broker, we raised a sensible child who excelled in his studies all the way to completing his degree course in an Australian university and came back to work and stay with his parents. I, as a full-time housewife, watched him grow up. Why did God have to take him away from us in a terrible road traffic accident at the age of 28?

I said I was "sorry to hear this" to the elderly couple. My patient who was just admitted to the ward, a seventy-year-old man transferred from the Emergency Department upon a fall that resulted in a nasty hip fracture, was accompanied by his wife whom I had a brief chat with.

Having been reading Yancey's "Where is God when Life Hurts?" and Dowell's "More than a Carpenter", I still could not open my mouth to say to the lady that there is a God who cares about each and every one of His creation. This woman, for the past two to three decades, has been living day by day taking care of her diabetic husband who needs assistance with mobility. They live in a studio apartment, on their retirement funds that are constantly reduced due to the rising cost of healthcare.

Had their son not died in that car accident, life for their family would be so different today. Maybe I would never have met them in the C-class surgical ward. Maybe the man would not have had the hip fracture. Maybe the woman or her son would hire a domestic helper to provide better care for the man.

Had their son not died in that car accident.

Where is God when life hurts? I could not give this lady an answer.
 

才不需要你!

万事起头难，幸亏有你助我。 万分感恩。 不知道该如何回报。
日子久了，路好走了。我甚至过得比你好！
从今 以后  不需要你了！

你做好事 不求回报。
我只是在随你。
难道 这不是你所愿？
 

原来如此

我们都是同国人。跟我住，大家一起省钱。
你们原肯挤进来 目的只是要便宜？

看不见我的好意？不晓得我的痛楚？不理解我的宽容？
难道说，与我同住 真的这么不开心吗？

Epilogue: Taking Action

As I came to the concluding section of The Bait of Satan by John Bevere, I could carry on reading no more.

As you have read this book, the Spirit of the Lord may have reminded you of relationships in the past or present in which you have held something againse others. I have sensed the Lord's instruction to ask you to pray a simple prayer of release with me. But before praying, ask the Holy Spirit to walk with you through your past, bringing before you any people against whom you have held something. Stay quiet before Him as He shows you who they are. You do not need to hunt for something that is not there. He will clearly bring them up to where you will not doubt it. As He does, you may remember the pain you experienced.

John Bevere.

I am too weak for this.

Reliance Gone Wrong

Once upon a time

companions knew no difference,

Safe by Platonism

We grew together

Afterward you stabbed my chest;

stepping away subtly,

putting things to end

When all I had was you,

Independence- just an excuse!

So to me it seemed

Reliance gone wrong:

turned potential heights

into lowly acts;

Deliberate forces of entry;

Threats of self-destruction;

Violence in spoken words.

Your fears were my fault

Drove you crazy

"Go to the Jordan and clean yourself seven times"

wash away my bitterness

"No man can serve two masters"

worship the right one

© Joel Yap

Haiku- Cactus Shall I Be

How long has it been,

since the days turned weeks, turned months;

Not too long ago.

Have I not long grown,

familiar with silence of

a party gone wrong?

Do I missed those days,

Morning Glory shined with ease;

Support from a fence.

Could not walk on wheels,

there was you to ferry me;

Happiest of mine.

I sing a sad song,

to remember the good times:

Where there you for me!

Now you are no more,

Flower left in wilderness;

Cactus- shall I be.

© Joel Yap

Experiment

Suddenly remembered!


What was I back then? A friend? A person to care for? Just another one to reach out to?
When caring for me takes more than what is usually given, did I become a burden to lay down?
Or was I Jonah on the wrong journey that you had to throw me over?

Was I a heavy load?
A pain in the ass?

Maybe an experiment gone wrong.

bye

It was a very nice Christmas week back here at home where my heart is! Even greater when some loved ones are around to spend it with together. Most of my pals are were back from college and their presence certainly made me glad.

Now it's time to say goodbye to some of those who are starting classes very soon. I had very good day today, especially on the sports field this evening.

Cried while driving home just now. Hate to say goodbye to loved ones!

Sigh, got to accept the harsh fact that every party has to end. And soon my turn to leave again will come.

Sentimental?? Hahaha...

I feel sad for a cousin who has to be on crutches in the near future. I feel her frustration and I cannot imagine the inconvenience she needs to go through. And I begin to empathize that she might probably be asking God(I would) why all these had to happen! Such frustration can be so hard to bear, yet I know that the God who allowed such things to take place is a God who loves. Besides that I also know this God who loves is the Almighty God who is bigger than any and every problem.

Cuz... Be strong!

Umbrella

In a time the sun was shining

Umbrella in my hands;

My head in its shadows

of protection and comfort

Then came evening cool

when I still held on

while others required

my shade

But how could I endure that sight:

parasites stealing my prized possession?!

Of course, I fought.

For none was worthy

to snatch the treasure from me!

Fright, fatigue and faint

left me no choice

but let go.

Now into the snow;

I under the rain,

learn to face the storms

©Joel Yap

Pain Modulation

For 14 times the moon shone comforting light

all were insufficient

no glass could magnify those light

neither diminish those wounds

Thank God for a nature

called Pain Modulation

what thoughtful design

Reduced sensitivity 

to face same pain

while feel less

such mechanism

for protection despite deception

But the broken

can they come back together?

Can permanent damage

be temporal

for a God Almighty?

© Joel Yap

=(

Just read this on Yahoo! News five minutes ago- Philippine dad convicted of rape gets 14400 years.

Amused by the headlines, at first I laughed at the 14400-year jail sentence. Then I began to read on and I stopped laughing. Who would rape his own flesh and blood, daily?! My heart goes out to the girl and my fist would like to meet the man whose conscience must have been on holiday.

Why do such a wicked thing to his own daughter when she was only 13?

Why do such a wicked thing to his own daughter?

Why do such a wicked thing?

Why?

I remember reading about child abuse two months back. Also responded by sharing it here on this blog.
Wish I could and can do more than just lamenting, I would do more.

Children deserve to be loved, not abused.
Abuse can be in different forms: Verbal, sexual, physical, emotional, etc.

If you aren't ready to be a parent, think twice about having children.

Scared

You've gone afar from me, I should have known.

Will you ever come near? I dare not know!

You See a Star

You see a star

shining brightly in the night

it starts to fall

bringing darkness to your day

You take my hand

promise I might one day fly

I take your word

trusting you to lead my feet

Your wings are high

shade my head from drops of rain

due to fly

open me to hurricane

You choose your way

leave me wait from day to day

from me away

I alone in sorrow sway

Lo your return

timid I wordless in your sight

your leave is nigh

will I dare to say goodbye?

You see a star

shining brightly in the night

it starts to fall

bringing darkness to your day

© Joel Yap

矛盾

我不知该怎么办才好

招呼该不该打?
好想问候一声, 但不懂应不应该!

疯也疯过了, 哭也哭过了


多么多么得想说话

 可是....

Cup of Tea

How I wish there were

a cup with tea in it

where anger and resentment

dissolved like sugar

You and I could drink

from it

with many gladness

as it poured out with forgiveness

from a pot, reaching little cups

We could share one

tasting what each gets

you in my shoes;

and I in yours,

there let be understanding

there goes the fears

here comes our friendship

But if ever there were

this cup of tea

would you drink

of it

with me?

© Joel Yap