This is a year of change

Ask me, and I might share with you over tea.
 

Student to RN

So I officially started working in one of the busiest hospitals in Singapore. Still trying to believe that I have even come this far. The road ahead is not an easy one to journey on, for sure.

 Nursing: what I thought I wanted. This I pray will teach me much. Strive to be a good nurse, I will.

To the rest of you in this noble vocation, rock on!

28 April

As I vividly recall, I was on the streets of Johor Bahru a year ago, when I was still studying in Singapore. I remember travelling by foot a few kilometres to a vicinity where a street protest was to take place, and from reading about experiences of people who took part in a similar protest the year before, I learned to arrive a day early.

All the walking, praying and waiting; Either on the streets, in a 24-hour Mamak shop or a hotel lobby nearby. One full night, and the next whole day.


Is the cause I am fighting for making progress?

Sorry for my moments of faithlessness and frustrations.

What is becoming of the organisation in the front lines of the pursuit for free and fair elections? I dare not imagine or acknowledge what might it be now. Not that it has gone astray, just perhaps unacceptable in certain ways to me, personally. Or have I been living in my own ideal world?
 

The end of PRCP

It is nigh, it is nigh!

One more morning shift to go and this internship in the Surgical ICU will be over. I doubt my sleep will be sufficient tonight. Just finished making thank-you-cards for the ward staff!

Today my preceptor sat me down for a quick chat and some feedback. She made me remember why I decided to join nursing three years ago, and she made me think why am I still wanting to join nursing, since I did not quit. To help the helpless, I wish to carry on in this vocation with great pride. Just not sure if I have what it takes to bear the responsibilities of a Registered Nurse. There is room for improvement, there will always be room for improvement. Learning must never stop.

I only pray that I will make progress in this journey of nursing, regardless of which department they put me in.
 

羊儿别放弃

来临的路程好艰难，小羊不知能否顺利走完；
牧羊人啊，牧羊人！祢在哪里？
羊儿碰钉子了，跌跌撞撞，迷失方向。

天上的月亮，照亮地上路，希望这点光足以带领羊；
路边的小草长得高，当补充体力与精神的粮食。

前头的道路不好走，但羊儿 别放弃！

© Joel Yap

I stood outside

Went to visit Mr. W on the way back from some shopping today. I bought a keyboard cover for a computer that has not been delivered to my house yet! For your information, I even have some software ready once the new notebook arrives. So excited about the new change that is about to take place.

Sorry for digressing. There I was at Mr. W's door. He was watching television and munching on some snacks before going to sleep at 9. He has a minor unilateral hearing impairment, so the volume was quite loud. I didn't want to shout outside his gate. So I stood there, watching him as the windows were opened. Not surprising that he failed to notice me, I do not blame him at all.

This was the first time I visited him without talking for over an hour. In fact, this was my first visit where Mr. W did not acknowledge my presence. Well, I am happy to see the man doing okay.
 

A disappointment indeed

So something is now confirmed. Hopes were lifted and fell freely to ground level. Well, this still beats dangling halfway in the air. At least I know the answer is no. Going to bed a little sad is way better than having difficulties falling asleep wondering what the answer would be.

Now, the next step will be to move on from here with joy and thanksgiving.
 

A possible disappointment

Not a setback, nothing to worry about actually; but perhaps something to be sad over.

He gives, He can take away.

I don't own my opportunities anyway, just a steward here. Trying hard to be a good steward of my money(though the little that I have), talents(though the little that I have) and time(though I definitely do not have as much as I think I need).

Minor disappointment, even though it has not been final yet. Is this a test? Is this just a plan to evaluate my response to certain things in life?

Man has desires, aspirations and dreams; what if a door is opened to you and closed just before you could pass through? Yet you still do not know if that door is closed for sure.
 

Shortlisted?

This is a hint of a chance of a dream come true!

Received a text today with gladness. Still too early to say anything yet.

Very grateful and excited about an opportunity to do something that not many people can. Seriously. Fine, it might not be so big of a deal but this means an answered prayer for me.

Again, still too early to say anything. I am hopeful.
And I am ready for rejection.

Come what may.

Cheerful

Starting to feel the need to be cheerful, and remain cheerful.
I have come across a few people in my life and am impressed by how cheerful they were(are), sometimes even in the midst of turmoil. Amazed and envious.

Sorry for being such a pessimist at times. Perhaps it was the way I was brought up, the things I had seen, experienced, etc. It is not easy to live like this. I'd probably achieved more if I were a little more willing to challenge myself in various areas.

I want to stop feeling sorry for myself now. Yesterday is in the past!
 

Sarawak for change!

As I write, change is taking place in Sarawak. State election. Polling has already begun and shall continue until 5PM today.

I have been following the news.
Somehow I find myself following it with some sort of watching-football-match attitude, sometimes. Why?

This is so much more than a football match. This is Sarawak's future as well as ours here in the Peninsula.

This is not a football match.

Praying for a fair election.
May God's will be done in Sarawak as it is in Heaven.

bye

It was a very nice Christmas week back here at home where my heart is! Even greater when some loved ones are around to spend it with together. Most of my pals are were back from college and their presence certainly made me glad.

Now it's time to say goodbye to some of those who are starting classes very soon. I had very good day today, especially on the sports field this evening.

Cried while driving home just now. Hate to say goodbye to loved ones!

Sigh, got to accept the harsh fact that every party has to end. And soon my turn to leave again will come.

Sentimental?? Hahaha...

I feel sad for a cousin who has to be on crutches in the near future. I feel her frustration and I cannot imagine the inconvenience she needs to go through. And I begin to empathize that she might probably be asking God(I would) why all these had to happen! Such frustration can be so hard to bear, yet I know that the God who allowed such things to take place is a God who loves. Besides that I also know this God who loves is the Almighty God who is bigger than any and every problem.

Cuz... Be strong!

Merdeka 2010

My country, my land, my home. Where I was nurtured and educated.

Grateful for the peace I knew, hopeful for it to continue.
Thankful for the absence of calamities and great disasters.

I come from a social fruitpunch and saw a very good blend though there were one or two rotten fruits.

Now I'm hearing of news and growing discouraged.
And am able to picture better: How Jesus wept over Jerusalem.


I believe evil shall fall even when believing becomes difficult.

Let Malaysia be made a blessing to her people, and let Malaysians bless this nation.
Let peace flow from river to river, reaching every skin colour.
Let prosperity fall on all who strive with integrity.
And let justice stand taller than Mount Kinabalu.

18

Looking back, giving thanks...

Some things are private so I do not wish to reveal too much.

Prior to my 18th birthday I experienced death.
During the 18th year I was brought back to life.

And there has been so many turning points, so much direction revealed. I thank those who played a part no matter big or small. More importantly I thank the One who planned everything as well as promised to never leave nor forsake me.
Now the picture becomes clearer, much more than it used to be. However the picture doesn't show a bed of roses, yet it doesn't matter because it is a good picture yet to be fully unveiled.

Looking back, giving thanks. Give thanks even for the immeasureable failures and broken pieces because the Maker has something good in mind.
Looking back, understand I was brought out of the darkness into glorious light.

Giving thanks....

Cup of Tea

How I wish there were

a cup with tea in it

where anger and resentment

dissolved like sugar

You and I could drink

from it

with many gladness

as it poured out with forgiveness

from a pot, reaching little cups

We could share one

tasting what each gets

you in my shoes;

and I in yours,

there let be understanding

there goes the fears

here comes our friendship

But if ever there were

this cup of tea

would you drink

of it

with me?

© Joel Yap

Back on stage

Backed out from stage...
Backslid into shadows...
Backing down on ministry...

Stepping out from the backstage,
In action, back on stage


After so long and after so much, finally I attempt to do what I had anointing in doing, and I hope it will turn out well.

First Night

Days of wait in excitement

final hours now to go

through have been moments of different kind

both up and down a sinusoid

just awaiting patiently for this very day

Like a bride on her first night

so I anxious the same

excitement filled with fear

know not outcome turn out how

Oh a bride on her first night

nerves active within her stomach

along with the butterflies

Look into the mirror

preparing for the moment

look into her soul

prepare to lose control

look into her mind

reminder remain sane

look into her heart

what really does she want

satisfaction not hers alone

How a bride thinking on her first night

fearing disappointment
knowing anxiety

scared to death of failure

But the bride on her first night

opened up readily receive

when the time comes

so her husband

and the following

come what may!

© Joel Yap

Half A Ear

Half a ear infected and incurable 

therefore half that ear was lost 

because half a ear went about 

with a prescription but no medicine

Time in its linear motion 

and I, fluctuating emotions 

mixed up by mixed up memories 

caught myself in wild confusion

Were the good pasts more than bad?

What we had done were wrong than good?

What have I done wrong?

The promise, like my biggest investment

in it my last hopes for a better us

your promise, cost me half a ear

wasted in longing, even for a whisper will do

how I see my own stupidity

that in some ways, foolish loyalty

Half a ear was gone

don't take the other half, please!

Why won't you fulfill your promise...

© Joel Yap

Phone call from SG

For this month and the one ahead, I can see myself busy running errands and getting ready for college. Even before doing real work in preparation to set foot in a new environment, even now, I am busy thinking, worrying and imagining how would life be like on the other side.

Being able to pursue my desired diploma feels so surreal. I do not wish to share details, but this feels surreal.

By God's grace things turned better

that divine grace I might never understand

Hell turned into Heaven

in terms of support by my elders

their words, and their tone

once so harsh, now so gentle

I don't understand, can you? 

At least, at last!

the way is open,

time to Start Afresh.

漫漫地等

 漫漫地等

蓝蓝的天空占了灰

白白的云朵染成乌

水里的鱼儿停止游

草原的绵羊脏如泥

我的世界

你的离别

寻你的踪影

天堂于地狱

非天壤之别

我的世界

被遗忘的村落

没希望的故乡

世人现今几个常回乡探访？

天上的云都懒得哭

活在难民不去的故乡

生在四肢无力的处境

等待久等不到的来信

枯等你实现承诺

像等夏天的雪

以及冬天的花

情绪的动摇也好

理智的损失也好

不放弃，却不能指望

没关系，我以失去

如今

我还在漫漫地等

© Joel Yap

This is probably my first poem written in Mandarin! Hahaha.... Hope to brush up on the skill and continue writing with more quality in future.

What I tried to express through the verses here: There are many things in life which require us to wait for. Waiting may appear to be an easy task but can be a very difficult chore. The need to wait is uncontrollable by us, yet waiting can be a choice. If whatever you may be waiting for means enough to you, how long would you be willing to wait?

Are you waiting for an old friend, relationship to be restored, your possessions returned, treasure to earn, answers? Is whatever you are waiting for worth your action of waiting? How faithful are you in waiting? How much longer are you willing to wait?
Should what you wait for never come or take place, will you stop or continue waiting?
I fear I might go for the latter.