No one behind?

I said, "I want to do more!"
You said, "Go!"
So I did.

...

However I turn back to see and only find that there seems to be no one behind me. And the ones who supposedly are beside me happen to be out of sight as well.
 

I'm tired

And it is still a long journey ahead.


My mind is like a dark and lonely town, constantly bothered by whirlwinds and storms. Alike any place without much peace, most of its residents have escaped to elsewhere. Thus my mind is like a dark and lonely town.

I'm tired.
 

Uncle, why you no shoot?

I started out with a point-and-shoot when I was 18. Today I have a few cameras and a few more lenses, not to forget a couple of flash units.

However due to school and work I don't get to shoot much. Even during holidays or road trips I don't find myself taking many pictures or always holding the camera. I still enjoy photography though, but I wish I was more active than this. So, not a travel photographer. I guess I'd be better at covering events. But there aren't many I can attend in this town. Now waiting for happenings in December. Looking forward to the year end!
Still, the internship is kicking in the same month.

Buy so many equipment for what? If given a second chance, I would have spent the money on a smaller camera instead. And perhaps invested in some better lighting equipment. The DSLR bodies and lenses sometimes take up too much space! No intentions of complaining but I now know of one or two really good compact digital cameras that have full manual functions and can shoot in RAW. Of course, I wouldn't have these regrets had I not bought my first DSLR camera.

I wish I could turn back time but I can't; but if I could, I'm not sure if I would even remember to buy a different camera because there are too many things I wish I could go back in time to change.

I wish I could turn back time but I can't.
 

:(

I think I might be puzzled and lost.
Not sure what the future holds, where to go from here, and how to get there.

My mind may be confused right not but the condition of my heart is no better.

So, what? This does not mean I should(can) vent frustrations out in written form, here on online space.

O come ye weary one, cast thy cares in the right place. 

That Ring

My heart dropped a little when I saw it on you,

immediately I scanned through the hands of your friends.

Alas, there was none.

Do I matter as much as you do to me?

My heart dropped a little when I saw a ring on you.

© Joel Yap

Answer-less

My husband had a good career as a stock broker, we raised a sensible child who excelled in his studies all the way to completing his degree course in an Australian university and came back to work and stay with his parents. I, as a full-time housewife, watched him grow up. Why did God have to take him away from us in a terrible road traffic accident at the age of 28?

I said I was "sorry to hear this" to the elderly couple. My patient who was just admitted to the ward, a seventy-year-old man transferred from the Emergency Department upon a fall that resulted in a nasty hip fracture, was accompanied by his wife whom I had a brief chat with.

Having been reading Yancey's "Where is God when Life Hurts?" and Dowell's "More than a Carpenter", I still could not open my mouth to say to the lady that there is a God who cares about each and every one of His creation. This woman, for the past two to three decades, has been living day by day taking care of her diabetic husband who needs assistance with mobility. They live in a studio apartment, on their retirement funds that are constantly reduced due to the rising cost of healthcare.

Had their son not died in that car accident, life for their family would be so different today. Maybe I would never have met them in the C-class surgical ward. Maybe the man would not have had the hip fracture. Maybe the woman or her son would hire a domestic helper to provide better care for the man.

Had their son not died in that car accident.

Where is God when life hurts? I could not give this lady an answer.
 

Soldiers

They disregard their lives as utmost importance. They place honour before pleasure. They make sacrifices.

Their families is never sure of their safety as they can never be sure of their fates.

If they should die, they die for a cause.


But what about the soldiers from Egypt who, under their Pharaoh's command, chased after the Israelites who were led by Moses across the Red Sea? Were they given a choice to or not to run across the ocean that split open? Did they earn their punishment? How many wives became widows on that day? How many children lost their fathers?

What happened to non maleficence on that victorious yet dreadful day?

Plea in the Rain

Either make me strong to withstand the storm, or put me back in the glasshouse. Please.

Helpless

I am not the one drowning, but feel helpless to see a brother in the water. Struggling to survive and grasping for air. He cannot see the light; and I feel helpless.

Try to recall, were there times when you just feel the desperation for another? Yet you have no idea at all on how to help.

I am not the one in need, someone else is in difficulty; I have absolutely no will to look him in the eyes and say, "it will be okay" despite having faith that things are going to turn out fine in the end. My belief, and faith are mine to share; but at this moment in time it seems a little cruel to do so. Am feeling like such a failure as a friend.

You're on a mountain top, and your friend is in a valley. And you feel helpless, how?

Today, my heart sank. Overwhelmed by uncertainties of the future, of another person.
Standing on higher ground can still suck after all. Because you might be useless to the person(s) below.

How I feel?

Company is more important than location, personally.

Did you even care how I might have felt when you made decisions? Whoever you all are.

I believe with all my heart that you didn't expect my reaction. Just as I never expected this change.
I just mind that I was merely informed.

Right now what I might be feeling is not important anymore. Waiting to make my decision.

Sarawak for change (2)

So the present government continues to rule with two-thirds majority of votes.

Sarawak voted, they got what they voted or did not vote for.


I still believe in God, so I still believe in His miracles.

Let His kingdom come.

Haiku- Cactus Shall I Be

How long has it been,

since the days turned weeks, turned months;

Not too long ago.

Have I not long grown,

familiar with silence of

a party gone wrong?

Do I missed those days,

Morning Glory shined with ease;

Support from a fence.

Could not walk on wheels,

there was you to ferry me;

Happiest of mine.

I sing a sad song,

to remember the good times:

Where there you for me!

Now you are no more,

Flower left in wilderness;

Cactus- shall I be.

© Joel Yap

Scared

You've gone afar from me, I should have known.

Will you ever come near? I dare not know!

You See a Star

You see a star

shining brightly in the night

it starts to fall

bringing darkness to your day

You take my hand

promise I might one day fly

I take your word

trusting you to lead my feet

Your wings are high

shade my head from drops of rain

due to fly

open me to hurricane

You choose your way

leave me wait from day to day

from me away

I alone in sorrow sway

Lo your return

timid I wordless in your sight

your leave is nigh

will I dare to say goodbye?

You see a star

shining brightly in the night

it starts to fall

bringing darkness to your day

© Joel Yap

矛盾

我不知该怎么办才好

招呼该不该打?
好想问候一声, 但不懂应不应该!

疯也疯过了, 哭也哭过了


多么多么得想说话

 可是....

Cup of Tea

How I wish there were

a cup with tea in it

where anger and resentment

dissolved like sugar

You and I could drink

from it

with many gladness

as it poured out with forgiveness

from a pot, reaching little cups

We could share one

tasting what each gets

you in my shoes;

and I in yours,

there let be understanding

there goes the fears

here comes our friendship

But if ever there were

this cup of tea

would you drink

of it

with me?

© Joel Yap

Hello

In an old place, at a usual time

like back in the good old days;

In the same garments, wearing the same smile;

what I saw:

different altogether

I saw you with these dry eyes

a confused soul

a heart numbed

and as for mind, blank

The needles on my watch paused

they flew out, piercing my eyes

like rays from noonday sun

directed to make me move

My heart stopped with time

as sweat tries to clear the taste

of bitterness

The moment I saw your face

from an infinite distance too near

my mouth whispered to my ears:

"Calm waters are better than roaring waves"

I knew your mercy

when you turned away

I used to know
to be unkindness

You bear no blame

anymore

I wish to bear no disappointment

again

Hello,

you are safe from me

© Joel Yap

Finally

Four suns left to the seventh moon

finally a message from he

who left me in despair

finally, finally a word came

So eager was I

awaiting the letter

so frustrated at times

so patient altogether

Never once did I disturbed

never once have I approached

when finally the waiting paid off

at least what I thought

In the message only I learnt

that hear another I may never

Heart stopped pumping for a moment

seems I shall ever be forsaken

How many times do you wish my heart to be broken?!
O this heart, like shattered glass all over the ground...
and the pieces, swept away from your compound

© Joel Yap

Half A Ear

Half a ear infected and incurable 

therefore half that ear was lost 

because half a ear went about 

with a prescription but no medicine

Time in its linear motion 

and I, fluctuating emotions 

mixed up by mixed up memories 

caught myself in wild confusion

Were the good pasts more than bad?

What we had done were wrong than good?

What have I done wrong?

The promise, like my biggest investment

in it my last hopes for a better us

your promise, cost me half a ear

wasted in longing, even for a whisper will do

how I see my own stupidity

that in some ways, foolish loyalty

Half a ear was gone

don't take the other half, please!

Why won't you fulfill your promise...

© Joel Yap

漫漫地等

 漫漫地等

蓝蓝的天空占了灰

白白的云朵染成乌

水里的鱼儿停止游

草原的绵羊脏如泥

我的世界

你的离别

寻你的踪影

天堂于地狱

非天壤之别

我的世界

被遗忘的村落

没希望的故乡

世人现今几个常回乡探访？

天上的云都懒得哭

活在难民不去的故乡

生在四肢无力的处境

等待久等不到的来信

枯等你实现承诺

像等夏天的雪

以及冬天的花

情绪的动摇也好

理智的损失也好

不放弃，却不能指望

没关系，我以失去

如今

我还在漫漫地等

© Joel Yap

This is probably my first poem written in Mandarin! Hahaha.... Hope to brush up on the skill and continue writing with more quality in future.

What I tried to express through the verses here: There are many things in life which require us to wait for. Waiting may appear to be an easy task but can be a very difficult chore. The need to wait is uncontrollable by us, yet waiting can be a choice. If whatever you may be waiting for means enough to you, how long would you be willing to wait?

Are you waiting for an old friend, relationship to be restored, your possessions returned, treasure to earn, answers? Is whatever you are waiting for worth your action of waiting? How faithful are you in waiting? How much longer are you willing to wait?
Should what you wait for never come or take place, will you stop or continue waiting?
I fear I might go for the latter.