Can I love you? 
Will you let me? 
 
  
  

原来是卖鱼

我发觉到有个骨折的病人虽然没有别的健康问题，但老是在睡觉。所以我昨天傍晚鼓起勇气来 问他怎么整天都在睡，是不是因为晚上没办法休息好。

那病人便开始跟我说了好多话。我听到病人说他每天都在凌晨十二点起床，出去拿货 做买卖直到早上九点。这种生活已经过了几十年了，就算进了医院 也会半夜睡不着。但我非常好奇 谁会在连太阳都还没升起的时候去巴刹买衣服！是病人自己说半夜去拿衣 早上卖的。我们聊了大约五分钟我才发现他卖的是鱼 而不是衣。哈哈！

可能是他说话太快，或许是我听觉有问题。

I stood outside

Went to visit Mr. W on the way back from some shopping today. I bought a keyboard cover for a computer that has not been delivered to my house yet! For your information, I even have some software ready once the new notebook arrives. So excited about the new change that is about to take place.

Sorry for digressing. There I was at Mr. W's door. He was watching television and munching on some snacks before going to sleep at 9. He has a minor unilateral hearing impairment, so the volume was quite loud. I didn't want to shout outside his gate. So I stood there, watching him as the windows were opened. Not surprising that he failed to notice me, I do not blame him at all.

This was the first time I visited him without talking for over an hour. In fact, this was my first visit where Mr. W did not acknowledge my presence. Well, I am happy to see the man doing okay.
 

Rally vs Blood donation

Blood donation.

• It's too painful
• I'm scared of needles
• I will donate next time
• Maybe I'm underweight
• Got a lot of work to do, cannot afford to faint

Rallying.

• The government might take away my scholarship/placement in university
• Cannot risk getting arrested
• My family would be worried(not sure how true though)
•  I'll join the next time

Et cetra,  et cetra, et cetra.

The excuses reasons always seem quite valid for one who has not set his/her mind on going to participate in either of the above. I would not search the hearts of those who claim to be unable to go, because I may not like what I find. Maybe they give excuses out of fear of disappointing others? Maybe some are just too cowardly or apathetic to go, but too timid to admit it.
Of course, I am talking about rallying for a worthy cause. Not something that you disagree with.

If today you say you will go tomorrow, will you say the same thing you said today, when tomorrow comes?

Witnessing a death

For the first time in my life, as he experienced what each man can only experience once.

I looked at his eyes as he gasped for his final breaths. One hand feeling for his pulses and the other holding a stethoscope as I tried to listen for sounds from his heart and lungs.

There was means to supply the dying man with oxygen, no pipes from the walls and no tanks in the home. Contemplating whether or not to attempt my first resuscitation on the unresponsive body, I felt it was at the 95-year-old man's best interest to say goodbye to his mortal sufferings. There was more relief than sadness in me at the knowledge of his passing. Maybe because we were strangers?

Whilst cleaning and changing him for the last time, "He doesn't need to struggle anymore," I joked and a few of us chuckled.

"I'm fine!" when asked, "Joel, are you okay?"

Am I okay, after watching a man die right before my eyes, for the first time in my life?
Can I be? Will you be?

Were you?

 

Customer

It is a Sunday, but a working night for me. Felt a bit bad for not working in the past two weeks, so I stood in for another staff who apparently could not turn up this evening.

Phew! Where did all the customers today come from?? Where do all the people come from in Singapore, by the way? If I were to ever venture into a business, food will definitely come on top of my list! Sure can make money in this city state because people are everywhere and they need to eat!

Anyway I was just trying to tell you that it was a busy night at the cafe. That, I can live with. However there was this couple who walked in just a minute before our last order, who really got my attention. The man ordered soft-boiled eggs which were what the pantry prepared for him. When I served it to him, he looked at me with an attitude and demanded for a replacement because one of the egg yolks were broken. I was like.... "What??! You're gonna eventually break both of the yolks, aren't ya? Why change?!" and "Hello, the staff who prepared these eggs was kind enough to break open the shells for you, take for granted ah?" but I relented anyhow. The customer had a right, my colleagues agreed. For those who are interested to know, he and the lady with him behaved like a king and a queen throughout their dinner and they were the last to leave the cafe. I was almost done mopping the floors by the time their royal buttocks got out.

Sigh, you have your rights as a consumer lah! But do you mind having some manners as a human ah?

麻烦

做这也麻烦，做那也麻烦。

助人为快乐之本。 帮助人也代表你愿意接受麻烦。

“要是我当初没有帮你们，现在就不必烦恼这些事！ 我本有计划，如果自私一点或许就能实现。 为什么要替自己带来这种原可避免的麻烦？”




助人为快乐之本。 但帮助人也代表你愿意接受麻烦。 如果朋友有需要我却不肯付出在我能力范围内的帮助，我是什么人？ 我有难时也是有朋友伸出援手。 当然，朋友与朋友之间 不是报恩报仇的关系。

助人为快乐之本。 别埋怨，更别指望被报答。 真心点。

A few of us got together

Mr. Chew, Mr. Kang and I were my best buddies back in secondary school. We went to a neighbourhood school. Mainstream, government-run, average and nothing much to shout about; though I must say few of the teachers from my school were(still are) rather highly sought after tutors in their various specialties. For example, I must say the best Physics teacher in Kluang at this moment of time was from my school. The best and most famous tutor for General Paper is also currently teaching in my school. Needless to say the best Additional Mathematics teacher, also from my school(and my church as well). In my opinion.

Now, what did I wanted to write about again? Okay, so Mr. Chew, Mr. Kang and I got together today thanks to our Hari Raya break. As usual, we had a good time catching up as well as talking about stupid things. Come on, boys will be boys. I don't expect us to talk about how China could break free from Communism, or how to lift off a rocket with 100% solar or renewable energy. Not that these are good or bad, or impossible. I love to spend time talking rubbish with these two people when we can get together once in a while, now that each of us have our own lives to live and studies to handle. However there is a balance. The last thing I want is for the three of us to end up in the police station for talking too loudly in public. Not that it will ever happen. There is a balance to keep, I believe. Between being stupid and being helpful. In the midst of rubbish talk for fellowship's sake, we often make sure we give each other a quick update about our lives, our struggles and problems.

Today we had fun looking back at our days in school together. Recalling names of teachers, schoolmates, classmates, etc. Reminding each other of the stuff we used to do- be it the stuff we enjoyed or otherwise. I remember a lot of rules. Rules were all over our student days. How to wear our uniform, how to keep an acceptable hairstyle, what not to bring to school, and the list just goes on and on. I remember how once Mr. Chew and my cell phones got confiscated since bringing cell phones into the school compound was banned back then. It is still, to my knowledge. I remember the teachers we had who behaved weirdly, those were the ones easily remembered. We remember the good ones as well as the not-so-good ones. And having gained insight and a certain amount of maturity, we now are able to appreciate our teachers accordingly. Yes, I admit there were times I resented a few teachers due to some unpleasant situations, perhaps; but now I understand that certain things did not happen the way I perceived them to. Similarly, a few of the teachers whom I used to dislike (were)are actually people worthy of my respect.

Secondary school- where there were more rules but less worries.

A few of us got together and I realise how much, through a short, two-and-a-half years, we have matured. Cheers to more and more years of maturity. And to our friendship too!
A few of us got together.

I was wrong

When I thought that no one could ever make me cry on my birthday.

Their actions and words moved my heart. The birthday card brought me to tears.


Thank you.

Epilogue: Taking Action

As I came to the concluding section of The Bait of Satan by John Bevere, I could carry on reading no more.

As you have read this book, the Spirit of the Lord may have reminded you of relationships in the past or present in which you have held something againse others. I have sensed the Lord's instruction to ask you to pray a simple prayer of release with me. But before praying, ask the Holy Spirit to walk with you through your past, bringing before you any people against whom you have held something. Stay quiet before Him as He shows you who they are. You do not need to hunt for something that is not there. He will clearly bring them up to where you will not doubt it. As He does, you may remember the pain you experienced.

John Bevere.

I am too weak for this.

How I feel?

Company is more important than location, personally.

Did you even care how I might have felt when you made decisions? Whoever you all are.

I believe with all my heart that you didn't expect my reaction. Just as I never expected this change.
I just mind that I was merely informed.

Right now what I might be feeling is not important anymore. Waiting to make my decision.

Sick

Haven't vomited in a very very long time; vomited a lot yesterday. Nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, palpitations and loss of appetite. Suddenly I'm experiencing the terms we normally use in school for the pharmacology module.

Am not feeling well at all, not sure what I ate though. Maybe it's a reminder to eat properly, not to take so much junk food.

By the way I even blacked out last night. Just couldn't see a thing for about 10 seconds. Fortunately I made my way to my bathroom in the dark just in time to puke into the toilet bowl.

At times such as this, you don't think about girlfriends and boyfriends anymore; you just want your mother. Pardon me if I'm wrong.
All I want right now is to be in the loving arms of mother. Yet I wouldn't wish that she come all the way here, forgo visiting sister at her national service camp, just to take care of an adult-to-be.

Yet at such a time, I am grateful for friends who care.

Got to go to the clinic! See ya...

Not my will

Some places you might not wish to go, some things you might not want to do. Yet you do.

The places you want to go and the people you haven't met for a long time; I may not enjoy going there and seeing them, but I do this for you. Travelling inconveniently(to me) for your sake, this is one way I express love and concern. Or fulfilling due responsibilities?

Hope we had a good time. I had moments of mine at 140km/h when your eyes were closed.

Haiku- Cactus Shall I Be

How long has it been,

since the days turned weeks, turned months;

Not too long ago.

Have I not long grown,

familiar with silence of

a party gone wrong?

Do I missed those days,

Morning Glory shined with ease;

Support from a fence.

Could not walk on wheels,

there was you to ferry me;

Happiest of mine.

I sing a sad song,

to remember the good times:

Where there you for me!

Now you are no more,

Flower left in wilderness;

Cactus- shall I be.

© Joel Yap

Experiment

Suddenly remembered!


What was I back then? A friend? A person to care for? Just another one to reach out to?
When caring for me takes more than what is usually given, did I become a burden to lay down?
Or was I Jonah on the wrong journey that you had to throw me over?

Was I a heavy load?
A pain in the ass?

Maybe an experiment gone wrong.

bye

It was a very nice Christmas week back here at home where my heart is! Even greater when some loved ones are around to spend it with together. Most of my pals are were back from college and their presence certainly made me glad.

Now it's time to say goodbye to some of those who are starting classes very soon. I had very good day today, especially on the sports field this evening.

Cried while driving home just now. Hate to say goodbye to loved ones!

Sigh, got to accept the harsh fact that every party has to end. And soon my turn to leave again will come.

Sentimental?? Hahaha...

I feel sad for a cousin who has to be on crutches in the near future. I feel her frustration and I cannot imagine the inconvenience she needs to go through. And I begin to empathize that she might probably be asking God(I would) why all these had to happen! Such frustration can be so hard to bear, yet I know that the God who allowed such things to take place is a God who loves. Besides that I also know this God who loves is the Almighty God who is bigger than any and every problem.

Cuz... Be strong!

Umbrella

In a time the sun was shining

Umbrella in my hands;

My head in its shadows

of protection and comfort

Then came evening cool

when I still held on

while others required

my shade

But how could I endure that sight:

parasites stealing my prized possession?!

Of course, I fought.

For none was worthy

to snatch the treasure from me!

Fright, fatigue and faint

left me no choice

but let go.

Now into the snow;

I under the rain,

learn to face the storms

©Joel Yap

Church in SG

I've nothing to do in Singapore besides studying.

Don't you have friends?

Nope...

What about church?

I don't see a Singaporean church making much difference in my life.

Well then, try God.

Wise words from a friend out of good quality time spent together.

Friend

Easy to meet new people, hard to make real friends.

I have one whose camera, wallet and cell phone is on the same table as my laptop in his room which at this time consists of only one human being. And tomorrow his house keys shall be kept with me.
Trust that involves vulnerability, only a true friend can give.

My friend is willing to take care of me in the midst of my vacation and his examination.
Make a call and he drives 15 minutes away from the house to pick me up, I say he'd do the same if I were an hour away.

So much more to state and elaborate should I wish to continue.
Words cannot describe how blessed it is to have a friend so kind.

You See a Star

You see a star

shining brightly in the night

it starts to fall

bringing darkness to your day

You take my hand

promise I might one day fly

I take your word

trusting you to lead my feet

Your wings are high

shade my head from drops of rain

due to fly

open me to hurricane

You choose your way

leave me wait from day to day

from me away

I alone in sorrow sway

Lo your return

timid I wordless in your sight

your leave is nigh

will I dare to say goodbye?

You see a star

shining brightly in the night

it starts to fall

bringing darkness to your day

© Joel Yap