You see, You know yet You still love.

You see me, You know me and yet You still love me. I cannot understand. Even I am uncertain of how long I can stand looking at myself in the mirror before starting to feel sick and sorry.

You are capable of loving in such an incomprehensible manner; but how can I know what I am unable to understand?
 

羊儿别放弃

来临的路程好艰难，小羊不知能否顺利走完；
牧羊人啊，牧羊人！祢在哪里？
羊儿碰钉子了，跌跌撞撞，迷失方向。

天上的月亮，照亮地上路，希望这点光足以带领羊；
路边的小草长得高，当补充体力与精神的粮食。

前头的道路不好走，但羊儿 别放弃！

© Joel Yap

Alarm clocks

My life as a nursing student revolves around alarm clocks. The good news is, this life will not change when I am no longer a student.

So is this like a preparation to face the realities of doing shift work as a nurse? Working shifts can really affect your sleeping patterns. This week I started lying on the floor whenever I needed to wake up early the next morning. Really cannot afford to oversleep, therefore the need to set three alarms! Yes, three: my phone, iPod and the good old alarm clock; all placed near my head. This is Week 3 and I have never been late for work thus far. Besides sleep, this kind of work has an effect on social life too. It has been so frustrating for me trying to meet up with some friends, most of whom are nursing students as well.

Life, how can work not impact it? Now learning to make the best out of the spare time I can find.
I shall control my alarm clocks, not be controlled by them.

Carpet

My carpet is clean
until you check beneath!
Years of sweeping, of hiding,
dusts of fury and frustration
creep in during sleepless nights.

No one can peak into it
for I somehow fiercely guard it;
people stepped and people passed,
but none could explore the floor.

My carpet is clean
you may not check beneath!
I would not allow it
perhaps until I find strength
to do some serious cleansing.

© Joel Yap

Uncle, why you no shoot?

I started out with a point-and-shoot when I was 18. Today I have a few cameras and a few more lenses, not to forget a couple of flash units.

However due to school and work I don't get to shoot much. Even during holidays or road trips I don't find myself taking many pictures or always holding the camera. I still enjoy photography though, but I wish I was more active than this. So, not a travel photographer. I guess I'd be better at covering events. But there aren't many I can attend in this town. Now waiting for happenings in December. Looking forward to the year end!
Still, the internship is kicking in the same month.

Buy so many equipment for what? If given a second chance, I would have spent the money on a smaller camera instead. And perhaps invested in some better lighting equipment. The DSLR bodies and lenses sometimes take up too much space! No intentions of complaining but I now know of one or two really good compact digital cameras that have full manual functions and can shoot in RAW. Of course, I wouldn't have these regrets had I not bought my first DSLR camera.

I wish I could turn back time but I can't; but if I could, I'm not sure if I would even remember to buy a different camera because there are too many things I wish I could go back in time to change.

I wish I could turn back time but I can't.
 

Got some rest

Still tired, just not that bad anymore. Two weeks of my final posting before that real internship kicks in. I'm now attached to a Geriatric ward where it is unlikely to meet a patient younger than 60 years.

It has been tough, it has been good. At times I feel as though I was handling little children because caring for elderly persons with dementia, unsteady gaits, behavioral issues and so on, is very much like looking after children in a kindergarten or at the park. Sometimes I wish we could give the folks a bit more freedom and autonomy, but the risk for falls is high and the consequences that follow one can be quite bad.

Every day when I am less busy I cannot help but think about what would things be like for me when I reach 80 or 90 if I ever do. And of course, how would I prefer things to be like. Often I end up in fear of what the future might hold.

Taking care of elderly patients is very different from working in an Orthopaedics ward or the Emergency Department. And it can be rather exhausting too.

This is my final week, gonna make the best out of it.

Exhausted

The adjective means very tired.

3 weeks in an Orthopaedics ward, 1 in the Operating Theatre and 1 in the Emergency Department; did I just completed these consecutive postings in the wink of an eye? Not to forget the few breaks in between postings which I appreciate. All these seemed to happen so quickly that I felt a bit breathless myself after leaving the ED. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoyed most of my clinical hours.

Running here and there, it takes up energy. Energy that youths sometimes take for granted. I never knew I would start burning out so easily, only today did I realise just how tired I had become over the past two months.

In church this morning, all I wanted was to soak in the atmosphere of music and singing, at the back of the sound mixer, doing what I love to do; I wished the singing never stopped. On the way to Singapore this evening, ironically, I wished that the journey would not end because I was in the middle of a much needed nap. Again I say, only today did I realise just how tired I had become over the past two months.

Strength to carry on come to me. Cheers to 3 weeks in a Gerontology unit.

Vivid dreams again

This time I was the emperor's father(not sure how that works) and my own son wanted to marry a princess from a nation at war with ours. After a long English conversation in ancient China although I cannot recall the contents of our argument, the emperor forsakes the country in the name of true love. Such a move left me no choice but to assume the throne during a time of war despite my old age. The civilians were suffering and there was no rain on the farms. Before waking up from all these I remember a poison dart being shot through a window and I got up in pounding heart beats.

Yesterday was the final day of yet another clinical posting. I spent the week in the Operating Theatre. Anyway it was a long day, entering the door to my place where a good friend bunked last night, I looked around and felt awkward for not cleaning up before he came. Better late than never, I picked up the broomstick and mop stick and began doing something about the mess in the house!

I remember NOT turning on the computer. Used my iPod while watching some news on TV and I went to bed by 8PM.

Then I woke up at 2 in the morning from the dream I just described! Glad that I was not really assassinated, I made some tea and watched some TV before going back to bed.

Then I woke up again at 9 this morning. Still able to recollect the happenings in my dream.

Vivid dreams

My legs began feeling heavier and heavier and walking became a pain, I then realised my leg hairs have grown so long I could barely see my own feet! I happened to be wearing my nursing student's uniform which held a pair of scissors in my right pocket, so I started trimming the hair. Those leg hairs kept on growing each time I cut them!
And then I woke up in cold sweat.

This was my morning, I hope yours was better! Haha...
I have been having rather vivid dreams of late. Yesterday I found myself standing before a good friend named Elween who was about to give me the death sentence in a court room; for what crime I cannot remember. Is this healthy? Waking up feeling scared time and again. I worked the afternoon shift yesterday, same for today, so it is not that bad as I have time to make tea and do some reading with soft music playing in the background. What happened during the previous three days where I was on the morning shifts, I cannot remember already. Haha!

Not all the dreams were nightmares. There were times I dreaded getting up because dreamland was simply beautiful.

The doctor said too many vivid dreams may indicated non-quality sleep. Hmmmm....

原来是卖鱼

我发觉到有个骨折的病人虽然没有别的健康问题，但老是在睡觉。所以我昨天傍晚鼓起勇气来 问他怎么整天都在睡，是不是因为晚上没办法休息好。

那病人便开始跟我说了好多话。我听到病人说他每天都在凌晨十二点起床，出去拿货 做买卖直到早上九点。这种生活已经过了几十年了，就算进了医院 也会半夜睡不着。但我非常好奇 谁会在连太阳都还没升起的时候去巴刹买衣服！是病人自己说半夜去拿衣 早上卖的。我们聊了大约五分钟我才发现他卖的是鱼 而不是衣。哈哈！

可能是他说话太快，或许是我听觉有问题。

Into the grey area

Not really crossing lines, more of like sticking my head out and risk facing possible disciplinary actions.

I am currently posted to an orthopaedic ward. It is just Day 2 and I feel like I have started this clinical posting walking along the grey.

One of the patients was just wheeled into the ward upon having undergone a shoulder surgery. Surprisingly he was awake and walking about as soon we got him changed and checked up. Another student nurse gave him his painkillers via injection, and he was advised to rest in bed as the medication might cause drowsiness. However the man insisted on walking albeit being warned not to. The staff were busy, everyone was doing their own thing and the nurse responsible for the patient who was just wheeled in instructed me to stay close to the man lest he suffered from a fall. And I did so, but he started walking towards the elevator! My patient wanted to go out for a walk. We even met his doctor on the way out. At that point of time I knew it was impossible to consult the staff nurse because her patient would have gone down and out by the time I ran back into the ward, even if I were to beg him to wait. I did not really bother asking the doctor as he would not wish to bear the responsibility had he agreed to let the patient get out of the ward this soon after surgery.

What were my choices, standing along 6 working elevators with a patient who was adamant on taking a walk outside? I decided to follow the man out despite knowing the fact that his intentions were probably for a cigarette break. So, there I was, walking a patient out of hospital grounds, to smoke, though the only smoke I inhaled was secondhand. He even took out his cigarette before stepping out of the hospital gates. Great, now I even got caught on security camera footage.

I do not regret doing what I did. What else could I have done? A fellow student nurse got the rest of my patients in the ward covered. The best chance I had of making sure the smoker patient did not fall, was to follow and stay close to him even though it meant stepping out of the hospital for a cigarette. Today, the patient is alert and walking well. He took his cigarette breaks without needing anyone to accompany him anymore. And I am getting to know him better through our conversations and my reading of his case file.

Today, a different patient asked me for a favour- to buy him lottery! He gave me a bunch of numbers and some cash. And I went to buy the 4D tickets as instructed(correctly, I hope!) after the end of my shift.

Clinical postings. New experiences, new challenges, some of them weird at times.

ISA?

Is the act all bad?

If I am not mistaken, it was enacted out of good intentions for the country. However, like any other power, it can be subject to abuse if authority falls into the wrong hands.

Now, we are no longer in danger of violence by whoever the ISA was meant to curb. Therefore the ISA ought to be repealed.

Yesterday I read in the newspapers about human traffickers being detained under ISA when the authorities could not find proof against their alleged activities.

Is the ISA still beneficial to the people? I understand that many are against the act as it, from certain perspectives, may seem very unfair. Anybody can be detained for sometimes ridiculous reasons as long as the home minister deems to be seditious.

The ISA seems very unpopular among many, however can it be put to good use? Is the act all bad?

Did Adam have a belly button?

You know, he is the first of mankind. Just thinking out loud here, wondering if Adam and Eve had belly buttons.

写华语

家里办丧事。 昨天爸爸给“白金” 的时候拜托我帮他写名字。

“六叔叶若虚”五个字，我只会写三个！太久没写华文字了，竟然忘了怎么写我自己父亲的名字。
 

:(

I think I might be puzzled and lost.
Not sure what the future holds, where to go from here, and how to get there.

My mind may be confused right not but the condition of my heart is no better.

So, what? This does not mean I should(can) vent frustrations out in written form, here on online space.

O come ye weary one, cast thy cares in the right place. 

The Star: Unlicensed hawkers banned from schools to curb obesity

I DON'T ALWAYS read the mainstream newspapers, but I did so this morning. As I usually find, the first few pages were quite full of shit somehow dedicated to praising the Government for its good work apart from other important news.

After reading for some good fifteen minutes, I couldn't help but to reread this particular news report on a directive made in one of our states, banning unlicensed hawkers from doing business within a 40-metre radius from each school compound. And this is the fun part- to curb obesity among students! Hello, near or away from schools aside, why were illegal hawkers allowed to set up stalls in the first place?

Okay, let us thank the local authorities for being such merciful and easygoing law enforcers. How understanding of them! So, that grace is about to come to an end. From now on only licensed stall owners would be allowed to carry on with their businesses near schools. Illegal hawkers, do not cry yet. Since the authorities are known to be such nice people, I do not think it would be difficult to apply for a licence to sell snacks near schools. Anyway, just my humble opinion.

However, those who wish to sell food or continuing selling food near schools must "adopt strict hygiene practices and not sell junk food," as reported in The Star.

Among the items that cannot be sold by licensed hawkers are all types of sweets, chocolate, pickled tidbits, foodstuffs with artificial colouring, preservatives and alcohol, those resembling lipstick and rings, and products that come with free gifts like balloons and picture cards.
Also discouraged are burgers, sausages, nuggets, ice-cream and carbonated drinks.

Wah! They banned sweets, chocolates, foods with artificial colouring, etc. Oh, even any product that comes with free gifts like balloons and picture cards. What if a particular product happens to come with a free gift but is not junk food? Also, ice-cream and carbonated drinks are discouraged. I may not hold a bachelor's degree in Chemistry or Food Science, but I believe most ice-creams and carbonated drinks contain artificial colouring, must I look it up on Wikipedia to be sure of this? "Foodstuffs with artificial colouring" cannot be sold, but ice-cream and carbonated drinks are discouraged. That made sense, if I were really stupid. Next, If hawkers outside the school compound are not allowed to sell snacks that fall into the category of banned items as listed, I assume that the school canteen owners ought to adhere to similar if not stricter regulations; I might be curious enough to make a trip to one of the affected schools to see how this directive is implemented. Haha! No sweets ah? Maybe no more sausages and nuggets along with your nasi lemak? Maybe no more carbonated drinks?? Oh, I would most certainly like to see how all these can be done.

To be frank, if I were an illegal hawker operating near a school, upon reading the news today I would simply carry on with my business, just outside the prohibited 40-metre radius. At least that could keep the students happy and give them a little exercise of walking an extra few steps. By the way, I might even achieve more than their Physical Education(Pendidikan Jasmani) teachers.

Banning unlicensed hawkers from schools to manage obesity? That's cute; Why not stick to the less-creative but more effective methods like providing education and raising awareness among students on the importance of staying fit?

Unproductive

Joel Yap... What are you doing??

The first paper of my finals starts tomorrow, and I have been procrastinating my revision until even now. And I feel like waiting till tomorrow morning to start hitting the books. Forget about burning any midnight oil. I'll set the alarm clock to ring at 7AM and then begin reading.

Can ah?

Good night!

I stood outside

Went to visit Mr. W on the way back from some shopping today. I bought a keyboard cover for a computer that has not been delivered to my house yet! For your information, I even have some software ready once the new notebook arrives. So excited about the new change that is about to take place.

Sorry for digressing. There I was at Mr. W's door. He was watching television and munching on some snacks before going to sleep at 9. He has a minor unilateral hearing impairment, so the volume was quite loud. I didn't want to shout outside his gate. So I stood there, watching him as the windows were opened. Not surprising that he failed to notice me, I do not blame him at all.

This was the first time I visited him without talking for over an hour. In fact, this was my first visit where Mr. W did not acknowledge my presence. Well, I am happy to see the man doing okay.
 

A disappointment indeed

So something is now confirmed. Hopes were lifted and fell freely to ground level. Well, this still beats dangling halfway in the air. At least I know the answer is no. Going to bed a little sad is way better than having difficulties falling asleep wondering what the answer would be.

Now, the next step will be to move on from here with joy and thanksgiving.
 

A possible disappointment

Not a setback, nothing to worry about actually; but perhaps something to be sad over.

He gives, He can take away.

I don't own my opportunities anyway, just a steward here. Trying hard to be a good steward of my money(though the little that I have), talents(though the little that I have) and time(though I definitely do not have as much as I think I need).

Minor disappointment, even though it has not been final yet. Is this a test? Is this just a plan to evaluate my response to certain things in life?

Man has desires, aspirations and dreams; what if a door is opened to you and closed just before you could pass through? Yet you still do not know if that door is closed for sure.
 

Unkind?

Have I been unkind to certain people with my words? Be it if they deserved it or not.

Irritated, sometimes I tend to feel, especially since all have different upbringings. People have different values though certain norms have been established in society. We all don't grow up at the same pace.
Therefore, irritated, at times I tend to feel. Not that I never get on people's nerves. I just try to strike a balance between when to be serious and when not to. Well, I am only human but I am trying, to be at peace with acquaintances and not to offend anybody as I go about with my daily living.

I had been noticing my deterioration in self-control with regards to responsible speech. Have I been unkind to certain people with my words? Whether they are bad or not, there is actually no need to be unkind.

Trying hard to be an example.

Writing?

I enjoy doing it, but....

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy writing. I write for various reasons- leisure, musing, critical thinking, reminding and so on. It is interesting to read what others have written as well.

But... I have been tasked to do a literature review. This is nothing like the stuff that I am used to writing! Looking for help, turning to examples of existing literature reviews, I now, can only be overwhelmed. The reading that is required prior to writing the review is crazy. I have recently completed a few academic essays and reflective reports, and I enjoyed the process of writing them; the longest document being over 2000 words. However reviewing literature is a whole new level of academic writing.

Let's see how this turns out.

爽

昨晚取得了五个钟头的睡眠。 今天一大早就起来跑步，天都还没亮！ 庆幸有位好朋友的陪伴， 否则我没可能跑得这么远。

下午与家人吃饭 真开心。

傍晚的天气好到没话说。 去打球， 好久没打得这么痛快了。 绵绵细雨， 喘着气 跑来跑去， 在那几个小时里 没有烦恼， 没有忧愁。

现在有点享受肌肉酸痛的感觉。

今天真爽！
 

搭巴士

好久没有搭巴士/公车 回家了。 这次到居銮父母都没办法来接我，我便上公共巴士付了一块钱的车费回到我天天想念的家。 坐在车上等待其他搭客上来，看看窗口外，看看车内的一切事物， 有种熟悉的感觉。 小时候妈妈常常以巴士当交通工具 带我和妹妹出门。 我第一次自己搭车是大约十二岁吧！ 上了中学与朋友一同出外也是搭公车。 十八岁考到了驾驶执照才开始从使用公共交通渐渐转移成向父母借汽车。 如今，驾车以如家常便饭（在居銮）。 今天突然有搭公车的需要，回到了过去，想起了童年。

我的童年- 简单又快乐； 不像现在。
 

Introvert?

Am I an introvert, or an extrovert trying to be an introvert?

Thanks to painful yet invaluable experiences in the past, I learned to self-protect. Guarding this heart against giving away trust too easily. Secrets are kept safer than they used to be. Emotions are rarely truly expressed. In a city as an alien, I learned self-sufficiency.

However the question still bothers me. Am I an introvert, or an extrovert trying to change himself?
 

Group work?

What can make you want to contribute when your efforts are not acknowledged? Never mind unappreciated, but rejected? Why do the work at all when the results will come back the same as if you did not do anything?

3 CD's from UK

All the way from the United Kingdom! With the kind help from a good friend's aunt.

I purchased 2 albums by Ben Cantelon- Running After You and Everything in Colour; and another by Worship Central which Ben Cantelon produced- Spirit Break Out.

Cannot even describe how I am feeling right now. To have one of my rather precious dreams come true.

Too Weak to Sing

Courage, O courage

where have you been?

This soul is weary-

too weak to sing.

© Joel Yap
 

Borrowed and returned

A book from the library that I borrowed about a month ago. I am given 2 weeks for each loan on the book I found in the college library. Renewed my loan on the day that it was due 14 days ago and tried to do the same this morning before heading out to school. Alas, the plan failed because someone else has placed a reservation on it.

For 4 weeks, I had a resource valuable for an assignment writing, lying around in my messy room. For 4 weeks, not once did I even open the book! I remember browsing through the contents of the book in the library where I found it, and that was it. It has been 4 weeks, I wasted my loan. Now I regret.

How good is a useful resource if you do not use it?

Snakes and Doves

We need to be as shrew as snakes and as innocent as doves.

Am I being that? To survive in a cruel world like this, one should be careful with his trust.
Environments change people, people change people, experiences change people.

Can you still be as innocent as doves?

老师说：“害人之心不可有，防人之心不可无。”
 

That Ring

My heart dropped a little when I saw it on you,

immediately I scanned through the hands of your friends.

Alas, there was none.

Do I matter as much as you do to me?

My heart dropped a little when I saw a ring on you.

© Joel Yap

Just the way you are

Why am I thinking about what songs to sing for my wedding dinner, now when I'm so single?!
Haha.. Anyway, have been thinking about marriage lately. Maybe it is because I just did a wedding photo shoot. Processing and organising so many pictures somehow make you think about your own wedding one day.
How will it be? Who will it be?
 

Facing failure

"Joel Yap is a consistent student..." wrote a lecturer on a piece of paper that I needed for something.
Joel Yap, is he?

A pharmacology test last week had shown me how laid back I was. The results reflected: one right answer away from obtaining a pass which was set at eighty per cent. Relating my score with the attitude and amount of preparation I brought into the examination hall, I might have even received more than I deserved.

I have a handful more of recent episodes of rejection and defeat that I wish I could share.
 

Rally vs Blood donation

Blood donation.

• It's too painful
• I'm scared of needles
• I will donate next time
• Maybe I'm underweight
• Got a lot of work to do, cannot afford to faint

Rallying.

• The government might take away my scholarship/placement in university
• Cannot risk getting arrested
• My family would be worried(not sure how true though)
•  I'll join the next time

Et cetra,  et cetra, et cetra.

The excuses reasons always seem quite valid for one who has not set his/her mind on going to participate in either of the above. I would not search the hearts of those who claim to be unable to go, because I may not like what I find. Maybe they give excuses out of fear of disappointing others? Maybe some are just too cowardly or apathetic to go, but too timid to admit it.
Of course, I am talking about rallying for a worthy cause. Not something that you disagree with.

If today you say you will go tomorrow, will you say the same thing you said today, when tomorrow comes?

Out of SG

For this and the next couple of weekends!

Week One of my final semester in school had just gone by with me feeling entirely overwhelmed by all that is in store in the next few months. And I came home already, during the first weekend. I came home to collect some Bersih T-shirts and pick up my camera; for the rally that is about to take place next Saturday.

Weekends of:

1. Week 1- Collect T-shirts and camera
2. Week 2- Bersih 3.0 Duduk Bantah
3. Week 3- Wedding in Kluang

Rally!
Still contemplating on which lenses to bring. Not sure if I want to carry so much on my back. What if it rains? What if water cannons are fired? What if I get arrested? Hahaha...

Wedding!
My secondary school teacher is getting married and I volunteered to take some photographs. No guts to take up the challenge as an official photographer though, that day will come in the future, I hope.
 

PTPTN?

You borrow money, you pay back lah.

Somebody comes around and says, "Abolish PTPTN!" Of course you happy lah, loans cancelled, no need to pay money.

Don't be so selfish.

You borrow money, you pay back. Period.
 

Weep and Rejoice

Weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. My question is, which is easier to do?

Weep?
Going to a party seems more pleasurable when compared to going to a funeral. Visiting a couple in a maternity ward to congratulate them on the birth of their newborn certainly feels better than visiting another who just lost their child no thanks to cancer or a road traffic accident.

Rejoice?
In a marathon, you finish second. Looking back at the months of disciplined training and preparations, are you sure you are able to look into the eyes of your opponent who just beat you and sincerely feel happy for him/her for winning the race?


I don't care. Maybe it is due to living in a big city, in a foreign land, no less, that I have become comfortable living alone. Yes, I know, no man is an island; but no man remains unaffected by his environment either. You take public transportation with hundreds of people to town where even more people are. Everywhere you go you see people, and you may need to queue up for just about anything and everything. Besides, the people we are talking about come from all over the globe. How could one possibly relate to every person he sees? Over time, you just become more and more quiet in a noisy place. And you become comfortable with being quiet. Then you may become self-sufficient. Why would you weep with those who weep? Why would you rejoice with those who rejoice?

Materialism thrives. In a society where we are constantly observing and comparing. Why would I, unaffected by my neighbour's plight, weep when my neighbour weeps? Why would I, not benefiting from my neighbour's achievement, rejoice when my neighbour rejoices? Need I give any explanation? There is no reason for one to weep when he is not hurting or losing; nor is there any sense in rejoicing in the success of another, especially success at one's loss or defeat.

At the end of the day, I believe the only way is to love your neighbour as you love yourself. Not easy, but worth the sweat. Relationships matter so much more than material gains and earthly achievements. If only we could see it.
 

Source of comfort

The darkest days of my life are haunting me still. I try to look to the sky for comfort, each time I am reminded of the pain that I endured.
 

If Joya could model too

Have been shooting for some time now, I enjoy making people or objects look good. Just wondering what if I were to become the subject in some of my photos. What if Joya could model besides taking pictures? I don't enjoy being in photographs; but when I am, I try to make sure that I am the one doing the editing.

If you have not seen my work, you may do so here. Happy viewing!
 

Answer-less

My husband had a good career as a stock broker, we raised a sensible child who excelled in his studies all the way to completing his degree course in an Australian university and came back to work and stay with his parents. I, as a full-time housewife, watched him grow up. Why did God have to take him away from us in a terrible road traffic accident at the age of 28?

I said I was "sorry to hear this" to the elderly couple. My patient who was just admitted to the ward, a seventy-year-old man transferred from the Emergency Department upon a fall that resulted in a nasty hip fracture, was accompanied by his wife whom I had a brief chat with.

Having been reading Yancey's "Where is God when Life Hurts?" and Dowell's "More than a Carpenter", I still could not open my mouth to say to the lady that there is a God who cares about each and every one of His creation. This woman, for the past two to three decades, has been living day by day taking care of her diabetic husband who needs assistance with mobility. They live in a studio apartment, on their retirement funds that are constantly reduced due to the rising cost of healthcare.

Had their son not died in that car accident, life for their family would be so different today. Maybe I would never have met them in the C-class surgical ward. Maybe the man would not have had the hip fracture. Maybe the woman or her son would hire a domestic helper to provide better care for the man.

Had their son not died in that car accident.

Where is God when life hurts? I could not give this lady an answer.
 

Doing right?

All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart. 
Proverbs 21:2 

Nobody would mind being right, am I right? Of course I am!
Well, there are times when we are aware how not right we can be. For example, beating a red light. Fair enough, anyone who believes he is always right is only deceiving himself. But at the very least we try to convince ourselves that we are not exactly wrong, blaming people and circumstances aside. The driver behind me was driving really fast and it would have been dangerous for me to step on the brakes. The white lie I told was to protect the reputation of a friend. Adam blamed Eve for giving him the forbidden fruit when they were in Eden. Need I give you more examples?

Nobody enjoys being wrong, period. What wise words from King Solomon.
But the Lord weighs the heart. How does He do it? How can we know what are in our hearts? Even the most advanced and sophisticated medical imaging technology isn't good enough to tell you the condition of a person's heart in terms of morality. Time to be frank, we all have motives and rationales behind our every action. A person seated at close proximity to me can not quite possibly read my thoughts better than another who is a thousand miles away. Only I will know why am I acting or speaking in a certain way; perhaps even I might not always understand myself.

Conscience- something that is imprinted on the soul of every man, theists and atheists alike. Some are easily pricked by their own conscience while others may be desensitized in certain areas. Anyhow, it is up to each one to live in whatever way he or she chooses to, with conscience. All of your ways seem right to you, of course. I guess deep down, we all would probably know for ourselves most of the time if what we are doing is really right or not. It is just a matter of convincing ourselves that we are somehow right.

Actions lead to consequences, a simple truth ought to be reminded of frequently lest we start living only as we please.

My actions seem logically right in my eyes, am I too stubborn to receive correction if I were sincerely wrong? I'd love to be right all the time but am I doing right? If I stand before the Lord today and He begins to audit my life, will I be among the sheep or the goats?

Tested

I remember writing this lately, "Character is about doing what is right even when no one is watching, especially when no one is watching."

Today I had a perfect opportunity to do something really wrong, well you know, the worst sins tend to be the most satisfying ones. The circumstances were just right, no one was looking and nobody would ever be aware had I done whatever I wanted to do. Probably not even the person whom I was about to victimize!

Glad to have stood firm.

Not trying to boast in my strength here though, really wish I could turn back time and correct some mistakes made in the past. There is history that I simply can not put behind, haunting me still today.
 

Neither here nor there

Am I.

It is supposed to be my semester break. Heck, it is my semester break.
I am on a clinical posting. Complaining? No. Just observing the fact that I seem to be neither here nor there, between Malaysia and Singapore. Could have gone on a mission trip? Next time lah.

It is supposed to be my semester break. Heck, it is my semester break.
Need to make the best out of wherever I am placed then.
 

It hurts to no longer be a part of your life

Where do I go from here?

机会

用工就不必为钱太操心，是吗？？

原来努力了也会带来不一样的烦恼。
当你被带到不是一般人都有机会抵达的十字路口，你会对自己说：“要是能每条路都可以探索就好。”

机会难得的时候，钱的确能够解决一点困难。
 

Witnessing a death

For the first time in my life, as he experienced what each man can only experience once.

I looked at his eyes as he gasped for his final breaths. One hand feeling for his pulses and the other holding a stethoscope as I tried to listen for sounds from his heart and lungs.

There was means to supply the dying man with oxygen, no pipes from the walls and no tanks in the home. Contemplating whether or not to attempt my first resuscitation on the unresponsive body, I felt it was at the 95-year-old man's best interest to say goodbye to his mortal sufferings. There was more relief than sadness in me at the knowledge of his passing. Maybe because we were strangers?

Whilst cleaning and changing him for the last time, "He doesn't need to struggle anymore," I joked and a few of us chuckled.

"I'm fine!" when asked, "Joel, are you okay?"

Am I okay, after watching a man die right before my eyes, for the first time in my life?
Can I be? Will you be?

Were you?

 

Shortlisted?

This is a hint of a chance of a dream come true!

Received a text today with gladness. Still too early to say anything yet.

Very grateful and excited about an opportunity to do something that not many people can. Seriously. Fine, it might not be so big of a deal but this means an answered prayer for me.

Again, still too early to say anything. I am hopeful.
And I am ready for rejection.

Come what may.

Soldiers

They disregard their lives as utmost importance. They place honour before pleasure. They make sacrifices.

Their families is never sure of their safety as they can never be sure of their fates.

If they should die, they die for a cause.


But what about the soldiers from Egypt who, under their Pharaoh's command, chased after the Israelites who were led by Moses across the Red Sea? Were they given a choice to or not to run across the ocean that split open? Did they earn their punishment? How many wives became widows on that day? How many children lost their fathers?

What happened to non maleficence on that victorious yet dreadful day?

2012

Can this be a year of reconciliation?

Permission denied

I still attempt to visit your blog, knowing I am unable to see it.

Why?

Bodoh

You can start enjoying your Chinese New Year's break, truly; once you stop feeling sorry about its duration. 

Learn some gratefulness lah, bodoh!

Car Accident

A doctor would say injury.

A policeman would say work.

An undertaker would say business.  

 

Like Clay

Jeremiah 18:6 “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?” declares the LORD. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel..."

"Why are there always people better than me at literally everything I do?"
"Why am I not as good-looking as....?"
"Why must I live with the background I was born into?"
"Why can't I be this?"
"Why can't I be that?"
"If God were a gentleman, why couldn't He asked before shaping my nose this way?"

The list goes on and on forevermore. Isn't it unfair, that you couldn't choose your skin colour, hair colour, etc? Heck, isn't it unfair that you have no choice over who was going to be your sibling(s)? Or if you were going to get any, for that matter.

Isn't God fair and just to all?
I can do all the exercises in the world and eat every thing possible out there that could help me gain a little more height; but the genetic constitution in me says that I may as well give up all hope if I wanted to grow as tall as Yao Ming. Why do certain people stand out to be taller than average, without any interventions? Just because of the genetic material they inherited from their tall parents? Where is the fairness described as one of God's attributes?

"God, if you are fair to all then make every body the same lah!" Notice I write 'every body' instead of 'everybody'.

Well, aren't we His creation? Who am I to question His works? Nothing qualifies me to doubt His intelligence since He is the Creator and I am merely a creature in need of grace every moment of my life. A potter, has every authority to do as He pleases with his clay.

Customer

It is a Sunday, but a working night for me. Felt a bit bad for not working in the past two weeks, so I stood in for another staff who apparently could not turn up this evening.

Phew! Where did all the customers today come from?? Where do all the people come from in Singapore, by the way? If I were to ever venture into a business, food will definitely come on top of my list! Sure can make money in this city state because people are everywhere and they need to eat!

Anyway I was just trying to tell you that it was a busy night at the cafe. That, I can live with. However there was this couple who walked in just a minute before our last order, who really got my attention. The man ordered soft-boiled eggs which were what the pantry prepared for him. When I served it to him, he looked at me with an attitude and demanded for a replacement because one of the egg yolks were broken. I was like.... "What??! You're gonna eventually break both of the yolks, aren't ya? Why change?!" and "Hello, the staff who prepared these eggs was kind enough to break open the shells for you, take for granted ah?" but I relented anyhow. The customer had a right, my colleagues agreed. For those who are interested to know, he and the lady with him behaved like a king and a queen throughout their dinner and they were the last to leave the cafe. I was almost done mopping the floors by the time their royal buttocks got out.

Sigh, you have your rights as a consumer lah! But do you mind having some manners as a human ah?

Rise to?

"... And those who have done good will rise to live, and those who have done evil will rise to be condemned."
John 5: 29

Life doesn't end at the point where you breathe your last. One day all will be summoned for a hearing that determines the eternal fate of each and every soul. Sounds scary, huh? Makes me afraid if it doesn't scare you. However it feels difficult to live up to holy standards in this earthly body, to think of being held accountable for every deed you have committed; good and bad altogether.

If you believe in Judgment Day, how confident are you of your fate? How hard are you working towards where you want to be, forevermore? For what you want to be as well, for the matter; sheep or goat?

I guess this serves as a very powerful reminder to what to do, whenever we are caught in dilemma between being kind and the opposite; doing what is right and otherwise. I don't know about you, but hell scares me.